Tania on the Body Image Discussion

I’m not usually one to cower at the prospect of open discussion, especially about issues pertaining to body image and gender. However, upon being made to talk about -myself- (and worse, listen while people I’ve just met talk about me – HORROR), I got extremely self-concious.

Actually, “self-concious” is generous. “Terrified” is a little more accurate. But don’t get me wrong. It was a good terror. A necessary sort of terror. And to expand on that terror a little bit more, here’s what the discussion inevitably dredged up for me upon reflection :

(Disclaimer : Dirty Laundry Ahead)

I’ve been large all my life. But I’ve never felt particularly ugly because of it. And even though I’ve entertained ideas of losing weight for the purpose of getting healthy, I’ve always had an irrational fear that somehow, working towards such a goal meant I was subconsiously giving in to the same beauty myths I condemn. It’s silly,I know. In fact, it sounds almost like a lack of drive masquerading as feminist adamance. But the fact of the matter is, it’s a genuine conflict I’ve been trying to sort out for awhile.

I attribute my aversion to weight-loss to my mother, who, in the glory of her youth, was a semi-celebrity on radio and tv. Looking beautiful was a big thing to her and it wasn’t enough that her dresser was manic brothel of cosmetics that bordered on being frightening. By the time I was nine, she was going through slimming sessions, buying exercise equipment off sell-a-vision and consuming slimming pills. The only reason I was keenly aware of all this was the fact that she was feeding -me- slimming pills too. I was a reflection of her after all, and the fact that I was overweight was clearly unglamourous.

I’m not even going to address irresponsible parenting at this point. I’m pretty sure you understand why on some level, I reflexively view the desire to lose weight as a trapdoor to disaster. My mother, who was known to be a smart, independant, beautiful woman, was supposed to be in control of her life, clearly, was not.

I remembered this when I got home post-discussion because issues of control seemed to umbrella a large part of yesterday’s discussions. When Corinna asked whether slimming procedures or cosmetic surgery were viewed as empowering or shameful, we realised that that was a tricky question. After all, as Vai noted, feeling the need to conform to certain systems of beauty is a symptom of a sick society and not the cause of it.

In my opinion, feminism goes through cyclical amnesia, especially in places where women’s rights grow parallel to the developmet of urban, media-saturated environments. When it comes to body image, increasingly “sophisticated” societies seem to birth increasingly sophisticated forms of misogyny. No longer are women’s bodies under the control of men. They are instead, informed by media systems that leave misogyny to women themselves. We’re made to hate what we see in the mirror, and made to believe that because of our autonomy, we can, and should, change what we see. We’re diagnosed with problems which aren’t problems,and made to believe we’re empowered by curing them – portruding stomach, blemished skin, wrinkles, the list is endless.

Meanwhile, the fashion and beauty industries get a large chunk of the money we earn from jobs we would have been denied two generations ago. Our foremothers basically fought for the right for us to subject ourselves to the tyranny of our own choices and spend our hard-earned dough on oppressing ourselves. It’s almost like bad joke.

Is there a way for women to take back the control we fought so hard for to begin with? I am starting to suspect that this is an ongoing struggle for each of us. Perhaps this is another key question we should be discussing during sessions like the one we had: What are some concrete actions we can take to re-empower ourselves into loving our bodies? Do these concrete actions even exist? If not, what then?

Again, being self-concious talking about my body was not something I expected. I shared with the facilitators post-discussion, that one thing I do for a living is pose for life drawing classes. This involves me going to schools and galleries, getting naked and playing statue for bunch of strangers. Because so many people tell me this is something they’d never be able to do, I’ve always viewed myself as someone who was comfortable in her own skin. So you can imagine how surprised I was to find myself feeling more naked than ever before, despite being fully-clothed.

I guess learning to love onself, is an ongoing process and not a final product. If there’s something I learned last night, it was that I should embrace the humanity that accompanies my insecurities with the same acceptance I embrace the strength that accompanies my ideologies… because you can’t change something you can’t even acknowledge.

That. And that I’m allowed to go jogging tomorrow. Because exercise releases happy chemicals that do not make me any less of a feminist, or anything like my mother. So there.

p.s.

To answer the other feedback queries, I have to say I can’t think of anything that would have made the session better except for maybe everyone arriving punctually. Because in truth, there were alot more areas that could have been discussed with more time at our disposal. Also, Robin’s idea about re-capping changed impressions is great — cos many of my initial impressions did change within the course of two hours.

Couldn’t have asked for better facilitators or fellow participants. And even though corporate buildings tend to freak me out a little, the good company made me forget where I was. Thanks muchly

Oh. And I’m curious. When bringing body image workshops to schools, what sort of visual media is going to be used?